i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize