A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
