I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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