how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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