we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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