There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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