tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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