Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
