He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In other news, I just burned my penis
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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