Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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