My liver just broke up with me...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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