i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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