Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
