If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
