Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
