there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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