I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
