When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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