you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
