1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
