we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
