I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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