god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
