So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
