i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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