My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
