Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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