I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
