dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
