I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
