i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
