My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sext me about skeletons
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
