I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
