walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
