As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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