the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Pants are for mortals
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
