ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
