Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
