i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
