Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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