Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
