She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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