You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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