Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
