I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
