I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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