Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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