her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
