If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize