I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
