I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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