I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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