Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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