This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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