i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
