and you said cock pushups were impossible
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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