OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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