I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My penis needs a shock collar
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
